Fuck. I don't know what to say. I keep writing things and then deleting them. There are so many thoughts running through my head. I don't know where to begin. Thoughts about so many different things.
Love. Relationships. Sex. School. Work. Travel. Dance. Friends, both old and new. And rediscovered. Just a menagerie of topics and feelings about all these things.
Not knowing where I stand. What I should do. What I should say. Does anyone ever really have a clue? The first three things are the most confusing. Sometimes I think I should be locked away because I never feel good enough at any of them. Or like I am never going to experience the first two. Are those the be-all, end-all in human nature? How we deal with love and relationships and sex are all based on so many different factors.
Girl brains work way different than boy brains. Sometimes I feel like guys have it easier. They can separate sex from love and relationships, but neither of those can really be complete without sex and that's where the female brain goes funny. Literally. I read somewhere that men are able to separate the three. Females, for some reason develop feelings based on sex.
What am I rattling on about? Where is this all coming from? I guess just from conversations with others as well as my own thoughts on the matter. Why does the human condition have to be so...lopsided? How can you tell where you stand with someone? When is it too early to ask? If sex comes early, how does that change one's perspective? If it comes later, does that make a difference as well? Being fuckable is a fun thing, but it will get old. Sometimes you need the closeness without the sex. I want that too. I want it all.
What a girl. I know why I feel this way, but have no idea what to do about it or when. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off. Believe me, I have tried. It does what it wants and will continue to haunt me forever!!!