I seriously need to get a grip on myself. I feel so out of control. The more I try to control things, the more I spiral away from it. I am a control freak. This is not news to me as I am completely aware of it and can wholeheartedly admit it. The only thing that I can't do, is change it. Believe me, I've tried. I need to let go in order to succeed, but I can't seem to let go of this image that I have of myself. I'm scared to change it because it's all that I have ever known. It's all I've ever done. What scares me I can't exactly put my finger on. Perhaps I think I'll lose who I am. Lose what makes me, well, me. I won't know that until I change it and I am unable to make the jump.
I see the change. I just can't be the change. I get motivated and then it's like something snaps and I am paralysed into staying stagnant. I see people making their changes everyday and I see how that makes them better, happier people. I want that. I know what I need to do to make it so. But still, I am. Immobile. Afraid. Of what...I wish I knew. I know so many people would say don't think. Just do. But my over analytical mind works differently. It knows that when I leap before I look I get burned. It knows how to protect itself. I just wish I knew how to overcome the barriers. The barriers that I put up against myself.
Ugh. This sucks.