What Do I Know?

What do I know? I know that these constant thoughts of you are torturing me. The thought of you with her makes my heart sad. On the outside I may be smiling and act like I don’t care or don’t know about her. But I do. I care way too much. And I know about her. If she makes you happy, then I am happy for you, but that doesn’t make me hurt any less. My cynical attitude is a defense mechanism. It prevents me from crying and letting my true feelings out.


The situation is just so… ridiculous. Somewhere along the lines I fell for you and you fell for her. And while I do truly hope you’re happy, I wish it was with me instead. That may be selfish, but I can’t help it. If I had only told you sooner how I felt, would you have seen me in a different light? Would I have been the one that you fell for instead? Or would we be where we are? Not talking, barely even friends?

I’m mad at you because you didn’t tell me about her. I’m mad at you because you don’t even acknowledge me anymore. I’m mad at you because you made me fall for you.

Yet, somehow, I can’t hate you for it. I can’t hate you because that would go against what I stand for. I can’t hate you because I hid how I felt. I can’t hate you for being happy. I can’t hate you because I’m sad. More importantly, I can’t hate you because at the end of it all, I love you. There. I said it. I love you. I’ve tried not to, but I do. I’ve been trying to put you out of my mind. This is effective if I keep busy, but you are never out of my heart. Whenever I have a moment to slow down and think my mind instantly drifts to you. I’ve read somewhere that if someone is always in our thoughts, may be they’re meant to be there. I wish this were true. It doesn’t seem fair that you haunt my thoughts and yet I’m just a ghost unseen in yours.

The best thing for me would be to just delete you out of my life. Erase anything that reminds me of you. Trouble is I have so many people and things in my life that are somehow connected to you even if they are so distantly. Even if I did that, I still have my memories and I can’t erase those. Part of me really wants to, but a stronger part of me says no. Don’t do it. There is always hope. And I am clinging to that hope. That small sliver of hope. I’m probably imagining its existence.

Why am I even telling you this? Because I feel like it’s something that you need to know even if nothing changes between us. I have to move on and get over you. It’s just so hard because I cheated myself out of the chance to win your heart. I kept mine hidden and it became too late. And now? Now we don’t even talk as friends. Barely an acknowledgement.

I think this hurts almost as much as not being able to be with you. It’s like you don’t even care. I’m not saying that you don’t, but being forgotten about hurts.

I’m hurt. Hurt and in love with no idea what to do about it.