Locked Down

Just having one of those days where I am struggling to be positive. I woke up feeling good. Had a good workout and a great doggie walk. Then, I don't know what happened, but my mood turned sad. Just felt grief sweep over me and I started to cry. I miss Nonno. Not having him here is just so surreal. I walk up stairs and he's not in his chair watching TV or napping on the couch. It's empty. The house is quiet without him. There's no one hollering at me to fix the TV, or get a coffee and a snack, or to help him find something that he's dropped. I just don't feel right without him here. Guess after living with someone for the last nineteen years, that's what happens. Their presence is missed and cannot be filled again. 


So I plaster on that smile and fake my way through the day. 


I'm also struggling to be positive today because I feel like a failure. I know that I'm not but sometimes, things just don't seem to work out for me. That's been happening way too much lately. The things that I want to happen just don't. I'm still waiting for that moment when they do. Apparently things some things fall a part so that something better can fall together. Well, the clock is ticking on the better. I just don't feel it. At least not right now. Haven't for a long time. 


Feeling like I do just isn't the person that I am. This frustrates me. I hate feeling this way. I have so many things to be grateful for. So many people who love me. So many accomplishments. So many good things to come. Why can't I look forward to it? Why do I have to hold myself back? Too many feelings that's why. Too many that get in the way. Time for some rebuilding. Walls that were broken down need to be built back up. I have to look out for me and the only way to do that is to protect myself. 


So that is what's on the agenda for today.